You’re not the same. I’m not the same. I’ve changed a lot. I can feel it, I can see it and I’m not sure it’s welcomed by the people I’ve held so dear to my heart over the past few years. I’m not good at letting go, having my heart-broken or moving on. I linger, I analyze, I hope and I wonder.

I’m not the throw in the towel and walk away type of person and I can often be found feeling guilty — trying to figure out what part I play in things not feeling the same or going so very wrong. But, maybe, just maybe, things aren’t suppose to feel the same. We are ever evolving, ever-changing and ever-moving people who won’t and can’t stand still.

The hard part is accepting the change, knowing that things can’t go back to how they were. All of my friends, the ones I’ve had, the ones I have and the ones I will have are going to change and move forward. I’m going to morph, mold and move with the way life flows. Maybe we’ll still be intertwined at the end of it all, maybe we won’t. It’s the won’t possibility that makes me sad and scared all at the same time.

A small part of me will always grieve the friendships I’ve lost over the years. I’m no longer in a place to extend a hand or try to rekindle a lost thread, but the good times and the pain will always be there. Just like I fear changes with current friends and acquaintances. Knowing that’s the way things go sometimes. We have to accept that changing, either in ourselves or in those around us, isn’t a bad thing. It’s part of life. Hold on tight to the times you cherish and let go of the things you’d rather forget. Not holding someone’s change against them, but instead smiling and knowing that no matter which way they go, they’ll forever have a small piece of your heart.

Today is a big day. Meganastout.com is having a birthday. I’ve blogged for many years, but more privately… and not here. So for celebration’s purposes today is my Meganastout.com blogging birthday! Hooray! Cupcake anyone? Eh? I’m having one so you might as well cave… I’ll toss in champagne if you can say something witty? Eh, eh?

I have to say thank you to all of those that inspired anything I’ve written. My family for always being undeniably quirky and wonderful, my friends for their ever adventurous and changing lives, my dog for being so absolutely bizarre and for Furbys and peanut butter — because the number of searches that are generated with those two topics is absolutely shocking.

So to all of you out there looking for Furby’s, thanks for stopping by and making my day. Hopefully you find a Furby… and that will make yours! And to the rest of you… non-Furby readers thank you, thank you, thank you. I heart you all and if I could personally deliver cupcakes and champagne (if you’ve earned it) to you I would. But… in all honesty I’d probably eat each cupcake and drink all the champagne on the way over; so, my presence would have to suffice. Still interested? Thought so.

Some of my favorite things from the past year? Completing Nablopomo, making people laugh, being more honest with myself and my writing, keeping Charles alive, traveling (I know I’m behind on writing about it), crazy shenanigans with those I love, all the food I ate and cupcakes that met their maker… oh how the list could go on and on.

Again, thank you! And, here’s to many more blogging birthdays to come!

*”Birthday Cake” photo by Theresa Thompson.

I’m a happy person… and sometimes I can even be comical. My life is one constant happening after another and I can promise you it’s one fairly entertaining ride. But, I’ve put off a lot of subjects that I’ve wanted to write about because I wasn’t sure I could make them witty, I was scared I’d be sharing too much of myself, I was scared who would read it, I was scared of being stupid… With that said, I’m throwing caution to the wind and having a go at it.

Heartbreak. I have so many friends that couldn’t tell you what heartbreak feels like or what it’s like to feel as if world is collapsing around you. They could tell you what its like to make a drunken mistake, to have a random Sunday adventure, to not have a guy call after a few dates, but not many of them could legitimately tell you what it is like to have their heart broken — shattered.  And I’m envious. I feel like I can write about this now, I can write about what it was like and how it affects you because it happened to me. It happened to me several years ago, so it’s no longer unbearably raw – I can write about it with a sane perspective. Well, as sane as I’m ever going to get.

We all know the story, it’s nothing new — nothing that hasn’t happened before. My story was unique to me, it happened to me, but means, most likely, absolutely nothing to you. It went a little something like this…

Girl meets boy. Girl and Boy get together. Girl and Boy fall in love. Girl and Boy are together for 3 years. Boy leaves Girl.

For me, heart break was for the movies, something dramatic and broken that wouldn’t and couldn’t happen to me. It was for everyone else. Having someone you’ve grown to love, someone you call your best friend look you in the eyes and say they don’t love you anymore and walk away is a feeling I’m not sure I’ll ever forget. I have and will continue, of course, to have that feeling numbed with time… but having someone deem me not worth loving anymore, of not wanting or needing me in their life, not worth their effort, has forever torn a little piece of me away. A piece I know I can’t get back.

As my heart broke I knew I had become the broken record to a lot of my, never been through it, happy friends and even family. I knew every time I seemed down, tear-stained or couldn’t quite pull together the fake smile they were all thinking “Why can’t she get over it?”,  ”What’s the big deal?”, “This has gone on way too long…”,  ”If I have to hear about how happy they used to be I’m going to kill myself”.

I’m assuming its true for most everyone. All of those people in your life don’t understand and most of them, to this day, can’t say they do. I always felt bad for inflicting my pain on them, I felt bad for making them listen… worried I might be using up their sympathy and wondered if they’d be there again if I needed them. And that weighed on me even more.

There are days, now, when I replay it all in my head. I watch it all happen and it hurts, to this day, but it’s bearable. I learned and will forever be grateful for the lessons I may have otherwise surpassed. But that doesn’t mean I’m grateful for the suffering and self-doubt. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. You torture yourself, it’s all in the cycle of events.

A lot of self blame…

What did I do? Maybe if I lost a few pounds? Am I not worth keeping in your life? What’s wrong with me?

A lot of anger…

Why did I let this happen. What if I had done this instead? Why can’t I get anything right?

A lot of lonely nights…

Choking back tears. I miss him. I’m alone — alone.  It’s gone, and it’s not coming back.

But in the end you grow up, you put on your big girl panties and get on with life. And day by day it all gets a little easier.

Over the past few months I’ve watched friends suffer and it hurts me to watch them. I want to grab them, hug them and tell them that all the doubts and fears they are trying to push away are unfounded. Tell them they are worthy, that they deserve it all, that I’ll give them a cookie and it will be ok. But I can’t. I can listen. I can offer what little advice I have. I can be there, and that’s all.

I know from here on out we’ll share something that not everyone can. We’ll know what it was like, we’ll share the experience and we’ll be that much closer because of it. We won’t be free of heartbreak or suffering because life is full of it. I may watch them hurt and they’ll watch me suffer. And it’s going to be hard. Maybe harder each time? I don’t know.

But I do know it won’t be glossy. Heartbreak isn’t majestic and it isn’t glamorous. It’s painful. It’s full of mascara and tear-stained pillows, swollen cheeks, swaying between loss of appetite and emotional eating, sad songs, replaying of every painful  moment… over and over, trying desperately to cling to a shred of unrealistic hope, purging and trying to hold on all at the same time. It’s lonely.

*”After a journey” photo by eflon.

1. My mom always losing her keys, her credit card, her mind… and allowing me to mock her.

2. My sisters varying degrees of laughter. You never know what you’re going to get.

3. My Dad’s random and off the wall comments sometimes referring to turkey s**t.

4. All of my friends, their floor dancing, chats over wine, unwavering support, and all the hysterics that go with it.

5. Charles. I’m just thankful for my dog. He’s a jerk and he can be a pain in the butt, but I heart him and his trash eating ways.

6. Chapstick… you never once have let me down.

7. My iPhone. I am truly naked without it, as in can’t function.

8. Spandex, and it’s insertion into many styles of pants. Thanksgiving pants can now be fashionable.

9. My electric bug killing raquet.

10. Everything that I’ve forgotten and will remember tomorrow. Yeah, I’m thankful for that too.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Hope you ate yourself into a coma and took a nap. Then watched some football… essentially living the American dream.

You know who wouldn’t? You. So here is my first, and last relationship column. Some general rules of wisdom.

1. Keep it in your pants. It’s only complicates things. Joy equals does not equal happiness.

2. You will be disappointed, just try not to be disappointed in each other at the same time. That’s when bad things happen.

3. If your friends don’t like him. You don’t like him. End of story.

4. Don’t talk to bartenders, and don’t date bartenders. Must I elaborate?

5. If your mom likes him, take him shopping because he probably needs a wardrobe change, a hair change, or a personality adjustment.

6. If he smokes, dump him. Who wants to date a dude with oxygen at the age of 35. Emphysema blows.

7. Baby Mama Drama = RUN FOR THE HILLS. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.

8. If he hates dogs, or other animals… he is probably a serial killer. Refer to Dexter before your next night out.

9.  Girlfriends  are disaster. Avoid guys with girlfriends. They can beat your face in with a bat and no on will feel sorry for you. Nose jobs cost a pretty penny I’ll have you know.

10. Don’t over analyze the lyrics of the songs on the CD they made you. Boys are stupid. They don’t know what they do. Just smile, pretend to be as oblivious as they think you are.

11. If he’s more flexible (as in can touch his toes with his wrists) than you are… ask some serious questions. There is more to that story. More than you probably want to know.

12. Men that hate small children, also hate God. Think about that.

13. If they like Disneyland… and admit it frequently. They probably also cried during “The Fox and Hound”. Is that someone you want to make out with.

14. Guys that only call you once a week (say on a Sunday) have you labeled. You’re Sunday girl. He, also, has a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday girl. Hope you’re good with sharing.

15. Don’t make out when you drink. Wait, what am I telling you. Be free my little butterfly.

Now, if you’re stupid enough to follow my advice, you need to 1) seek professional help and 2) get your IQ checked. Again this will be the first and last of my romantic advice for the foreseeable future. Have a good night.